Dating after being a young widow business plan for online dating service
They warn you about a great many things when you get married. Forget their machismo, their muscles, all that hunter-gathering; men lack the physical stamina for living, so women last on average ten years longer. If, like me and many other women, you are attracted to talented, experienced older men, their extra years make your widowhood even more likely. It is said that the English vice is reticence, and that we won't talk to the bereaved about their loss, for fear of hurting them. In the end, I used to say: "Ah well, you know," and let them finish the sentence themselves.Consult any agony column and you'll find yards of advice about how, and whether, to stay faithful; how, and whether, to put the spice back into the marriage bed; what to do if he won't help with the washing up; and how to cope if he insists on trying on your suspender belt. I was reminded of this recently, when I attended the funeral of Alan Coren, writer, humorist and national treasure. But as a widow myself, aged 60 when my husband Desmond Wilcox died far too young at 69, I found myself surrounded by people who put their heads caringly on one side when we met, and asked in tones of husky compassion: "How you? On the other hand, while we widows are dealing with our own pain as best we can, it is important that someone considers the children, and how they are coping.Without him, I, as a single (and, as perhaps my female ex-friends suspected, possibly predatory) female, am a liability at a dinner party.But they really needn't worry about my motives - I am not going to snuggle up to their husbands for warmth. You get more advice from caring friends when you are numb and vulnerable with grief than you ever get when you are facing other life milestones, such as pregnancy, parenting tantruming toddlers or angst-ridden teenagers.
It is important, especially at the beginning of a relationship, to allow the widow/er to talk freely about his or her late spouse.But nobody gives you any advice at all about the most difficult, painful problem of all. How to carry on with your life if the husband you loved and shared it with dies before you. Among all his many friends and admirers on that cold, grey autumn day when physically and spiritually the clouds had rolled over to obscure the sunlight, there was a group of us widows whose eyes were on Anne Coren, the beautiful, clever wife he adored and left behind. I have met bereaved children who have been locked into silence by their friends and families who thought, wrongly, that by ignoring their pain they could make it go away.She was immensely courageous in her grief, staying calm and elegant, and managing to comfort all her family and friends, but we knew, we widows, what she would be facing in the days and weeks ahead. My own children were almost adult when their father died, but even so, looking back, I feel guilty that in dealing with my own grief I neglected theirs.I have learned over the past seven years that the only thing worse than losing your soulmate is to be chased around the kitchen by someone you don't fancy, who doesn't make you laugh and whom you could never love.There may be widows whose hair, as Oscar Wilde said, turns bright gold with shock and who go out on the prowl.
Not that there is an established map, or a rule-book you can follow in bereavement, but that doesn't inhibit people from trying to impose their ideas on you. Particularly my son Joshua, who instantly took on his father's role of protecting me when Desmond died, but at great cost to himself.