Invalidating my feelings dating older man with children
He's deflecting and not taking responsibility for his actions. Your BF is oversimplifying what these self help books are saying and using it to his advantage.
He needs to understand that his actions can hurt people, regardless of whether they can "control their emotions" or not. He’s probably no dummy but he does sound super immature. Next time he tells you that you can choose your feelings or whatnot tell him you can also choose to be with a better man. I (and presumably he also) am very lucky with my mental health and pretty much can choose how I feel about things in the sense that it's very easy for me to say "oh well! I found it very frustrating seeing my friends be upset about things, because I couldn't empathise at all with their inability to control their feelings, so from my perspective they were wallowing in their own misery instead of just snapping out of it. Granted I never treated people badly that I'm aware of, I only got frustrated when they were upset about general things, so I'm not too sure what that's all about, but I would try saying something along the lines of, "I understand that you're very in control of your emotions. But sometimes it seems like you don't respect the fact that I'm different to you and can't choose how I feel.
However, when I did something that upset them, I was made to feel like a horrible person.
You need to have a serious discussion with him and tell him how you feel.
And decide if you want to continue dating someone who makes you feel this way and chooses not to care.
Someone who does not apologize for hurting your feelings is not someone worth dating, not someone worth spending your love on, and not someone capable of treating you with the love or respect you deserve.
This is an amazing way to deflect any sort of responsibility or accountability for the foreseeable future.
When you do something that upsets him does he also just “choose to be happy”?
While we all make choices..choices are influenced by our environment and the people around us.Every partner is probably going to make you sad, angry, or disappointed at SOME point.And most of us will have to sometimes say: you know what - my bad feeling is my problem right now and I gotta like turn this frown upside down and carry on.SO if you chose to feel upset it's only because HE convinced you to make that choice.Take his game and bullshit and throw it right back at him. ;)So ok there is a kernel of truth in this: we can often adjust our emotional state by focusing on something else, reframing the situation, or simply telling ourselves not to focus on something that is painful. And it’s valid for you to say “I don’t want a partner who makes me do THIS much work.” Ok so yes, if he does something and your first reaction is sadness, you could do a bunch of mental work to change your emotional state..you could break up with him and look for someone who doesn’t make you do so much work!
I’d tell you that a discussion is necessary but you’ve already done that.